I'm suddenly getting all 'girly' and shit. I've spent the last two years making sure that the next time I found myself getting into a relationship that I would be stable, focused, know exactly what I want, and would not settle for games, flings, or anything else that needed rules or definitions. I am a grown woman - not some college coed named Tiffany who hasn't a clue about life and love. **sigh**
Jake and I are meeting for drinks tonight. I'm single. He's supposedly not commited in his situation. Timing seems perfect. But, then I keep thinking...perfect for what? What am I trying to accomplish? If it's a fling, that can be dangerous because I have an extremely long and heated history with Jake. No, it's much more than that. But it's certainly not...GASP....love. God no! It's more like an immense amount of mutual chemistry that has the potential for more. Yes, that has the technicality I'm looking for.
Why am I thinking like a chick? I'm getting all frilly froo-froo inside my head and I'm not thinking straight. I've been avoiding men for this specific reason.
Or maybe...
I was holding out for this specific man.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
I MUST See You
Jake 8:36 a.m.: oh, MUST you?
Tristyn 8:42 a.m.: yes
Jake 8:44 a.m.: and why is that?
Tristyn 8:50 a.m.: you're seriously not asking me that right?
Jake 8:52 a.m.: :)
Tristyn 8:58 a.m.: but, now the whole timing issue is reversed so it's prob not a good idea
Jake 9:06 a.m.: it's not serious
Tristyn 9:08 a.m.: what isn't? the girl?
Jake 9:09 a.m.: right
Tristyn 9:11 a.m.: says who? you? does she know that it's 'not serious'?
Tristyn 9:11 a.m.: from what i've heard, it is
Jake 9:18 a.m.: do you think i would have cornered you at the wedding if it was serious?
Tristyn 9:19 a.m.: yes. lol
Jake 9:20 a.m.: hmmm...
Tristyn 9:26 a.m.: don't do this. i've been steering clear of relationships for this very reason - the games
Jake 9:30 a.m.: no games. you know that we have always had a thing. being in a relationship with someone else was never an issue before
Tristyn 9:34 a.m.: not looking to just hook up and not looking for a boyfriend either. but just want to spend time with you and not have to share you with someone else or worry about someone seeing us together, ya know.
Jake 9:40 a.m.: like i said, it's not serious. if we were seen together, it's not like i'm cheating. there is no commitment between me and her
Tristyn 9:41 a.m.: ok
Jake 9:41 a.m.: so you wanna fuck?
Tristyn 9:43 a.m.: you're an ass
Jake 9:44 a.m.: lol
Tristyn 8:42 a.m.: yes
Jake 8:44 a.m.: and why is that?
Tristyn 8:50 a.m.: you're seriously not asking me that right?
Jake 8:52 a.m.: :)
Tristyn 8:58 a.m.: but, now the whole timing issue is reversed so it's prob not a good idea
Jake 9:06 a.m.: it's not serious
Tristyn 9:08 a.m.: what isn't? the girl?
Jake 9:09 a.m.: right
Tristyn 9:11 a.m.: says who? you? does she know that it's 'not serious'?
Tristyn 9:11 a.m.: from what i've heard, it is
Jake 9:18 a.m.: do you think i would have cornered you at the wedding if it was serious?
Tristyn 9:19 a.m.: yes. lol
Jake 9:20 a.m.: hmmm...
Tristyn 9:26 a.m.: don't do this. i've been steering clear of relationships for this very reason - the games
Jake 9:30 a.m.: no games. you know that we have always had a thing. being in a relationship with someone else was never an issue before
Tristyn 9:34 a.m.: not looking to just hook up and not looking for a boyfriend either. but just want to spend time with you and not have to share you with someone else or worry about someone seeing us together, ya know.
Jake 9:40 a.m.: like i said, it's not serious. if we were seen together, it's not like i'm cheating. there is no commitment between me and her
Tristyn 9:41 a.m.: ok
Jake 9:41 a.m.: so you wanna fuck?
Tristyn 9:43 a.m.: you're an ass
Jake 9:44 a.m.: lol
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I Want Him
The morning of Liz’s wedding all I could think about was seeing Jake that night. It’s been almost a year since I’d seen him face to face.
He looked incredible.
Tabitha leans over as we’re standing at the altar and whispers, “Jake’s here.”
“I know,” I responded with a giddy grin as I stared straight ahead watching Jake get seated in the fifth row pew.
“He looks good. Who’s the chick? Damn, what is he? A dog on a leash? Look how tight her arm is around him.”
“Tabs, you’re not helping me here,” I responded to her play-by-play of Jake and the woman who had her arm gripped around his waist so tightly.
The bridal march begins and all six bridesmaids face forward. Everyone’s eyes were on Liz. She looked absolutely stunning. But I couldn’t help that my eyes were elsewhere.
He makes eye contact and I give a little upward smirk. He smiles at me and moves his mouth to the word, “Hi.”
I respond with the same silent, “Hi.”
During the reception we would glare at one another from across the room. Both of us were expecting the other to come right over, yet we seemed to keep a distance between us. Until…
I came out of the restroom only to be forced back in. Jake locked the door behind him.
“Jake, what are you…”
He pushed me against the wall, grabbed my face, and pulled me toward him with a deep, passionate kiss. I didn’t stop him. The kiss was forceful and full of intensity, yet still with such passion and emotion. The evidence of our feelings toward one another was displayed right there in the bathroom of the reception hall. He picked me up and placed me on the counter. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he pulled me in even closer.
Then, a knock on the door. We both sigh and slowly come to a halt.
“One minute. Someone is in here!” I call out.
“I’ve been wanting to do that all night,” he told me as we fixed our clothing and I wiped the gloss from his mouth.
“Your girlfriend is an attractive woman, Jake.”
“Yeah, we just can’t seem to get this timing thing right, can we?”
The scent of his cologne lingered on me all night. I slept in my bridesmaid dress in order to savor it.
The next morning I texted him, "I MUST see you."
He looked incredible.
Tabitha leans over as we’re standing at the altar and whispers, “Jake’s here.”
“I know,” I responded with a giddy grin as I stared straight ahead watching Jake get seated in the fifth row pew.
“He looks good. Who’s the chick? Damn, what is he? A dog on a leash? Look how tight her arm is around him.”
“Tabs, you’re not helping me here,” I responded to her play-by-play of Jake and the woman who had her arm gripped around his waist so tightly.
The bridal march begins and all six bridesmaids face forward. Everyone’s eyes were on Liz. She looked absolutely stunning. But I couldn’t help that my eyes were elsewhere.
He makes eye contact and I give a little upward smirk. He smiles at me and moves his mouth to the word, “Hi.”
I respond with the same silent, “Hi.”
During the reception we would glare at one another from across the room. Both of us were expecting the other to come right over, yet we seemed to keep a distance between us. Until…
I came out of the restroom only to be forced back in. Jake locked the door behind him.
“Jake, what are you…”
He pushed me against the wall, grabbed my face, and pulled me toward him with a deep, passionate kiss. I didn’t stop him. The kiss was forceful and full of intensity, yet still with such passion and emotion. The evidence of our feelings toward one another was displayed right there in the bathroom of the reception hall. He picked me up and placed me on the counter. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he pulled me in even closer.
Then, a knock on the door. We both sigh and slowly come to a halt.
“One minute. Someone is in here!” I call out.
“I’ve been wanting to do that all night,” he told me as we fixed our clothing and I wiped the gloss from his mouth.
“Your girlfriend is an attractive woman, Jake.”
“Yeah, we just can’t seem to get this timing thing right, can we?”
The scent of his cologne lingered on me all night. I slept in my bridesmaid dress in order to savor it.
The next morning I texted him, "I MUST see you."
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Old Familiar Feeling
After Matt and I returned from our trip to Costa Rica, I told Jake that I couldn't continue whatever it was that we were doing. I really wanted to focus on my marriage. I really wanted to at least give it everything I had and then if it still failed, it wouldn't be because of some fling. It would truly be because it just wasn't going to work. Jake, being the guy he is, completely accepted that.
I ran into Jake a few times over the past couple of years and it was usually awkward. Seeing him is so difficult. One would think that I would run straight into his arms once Matt and I split, but I had my reasons for not doing that. Besides, last I heard he was in a relationship.
I haven't seen Jake in almost a year. He is going to be at my cousin Liz's wedding tonight. Liz is marrying Preston. Preston is Jake's first cousin. I hope I can hold myself together.
I ran into Jake a few times over the past couple of years and it was usually awkward. Seeing him is so difficult. One would think that I would run straight into his arms once Matt and I split, but I had my reasons for not doing that. Besides, last I heard he was in a relationship.
I haven't seen Jake in almost a year. He is going to be at my cousin Liz's wedding tonight. Liz is marrying Preston. Preston is Jake's first cousin. I hope I can hold myself together.
Two Years Later
Tonight I'm a bridesmaid at my cousin's wedding. Now that I'm a divorcee', there's an oddity about being at a wedding. It's not like when one is single and never married. No, in that situation you tend to still have hope that one day it will be your turn. Once you've been married, especially after you've gone through a divorce, you become a cynic. You become so bitterly jaded about marriage and relationships.
It's only been eight months since my split with Matt. It was amicable. We both put the cards on the table that we had been considering wandering outside of the relationship. Although we were mutually respectful, that didn't make it any easier. I loved him. I just didn't want to be married to him. And, I couldn't be married to him knowing that I was constantly wondering if my real husband was out there somewhere.
But, in the past eight months I haven't been doing any husband searching. I've been doing some Tristyn-searching. I've been focusing heavily on the things in my life that are important to ME. My days consist of getting in a five mile run before work each morning. I'm hyper-focused at my job and have been getting a lot of recognition for my drive and ambition. At night, I get to decide whether I want a quiet evening at home with some take-out and a DVD or if I want to grab dinner and martinis with the girls. I don't have to ask permission from anyone. I don't have to feel guilty when I do something for myself. And, I definitely don't need to explain myself when I stay out too late. No texting, "I'll be home in an hour." It's been unbelievably fantastic.
I also have not dated. After Matt, I didn't want to end up in a rebound relationship like so many of my girlfriends. Sure, I've gotten some offers. There was this new intern at work who asked me to grab a quick drink after hours, but not only was I not ready but I also steer clear of coworkers. Then, my neighbor tried introducing me to her cousin. I must admit I was tempted. He is quite easy on the eyes, but no. I turned that one down too. Oh, and my girlfriends have been pestering me to join some online date site, but those dating sites always made me feel like I was whoring myself out. I'm truly enjoying being an independent, single woman. I feel, for the first time in a long time, I'm in complete control of my life.
It's only been eight months since my split with Matt. It was amicable. We both put the cards on the table that we had been considering wandering outside of the relationship. Although we were mutually respectful, that didn't make it any easier. I loved him. I just didn't want to be married to him. And, I couldn't be married to him knowing that I was constantly wondering if my real husband was out there somewhere.
But, in the past eight months I haven't been doing any husband searching. I've been doing some Tristyn-searching. I've been focusing heavily on the things in my life that are important to ME. My days consist of getting in a five mile run before work each morning. I'm hyper-focused at my job and have been getting a lot of recognition for my drive and ambition. At night, I get to decide whether I want a quiet evening at home with some take-out and a DVD or if I want to grab dinner and martinis with the girls. I don't have to ask permission from anyone. I don't have to feel guilty when I do something for myself. And, I definitely don't need to explain myself when I stay out too late. No texting, "I'll be home in an hour." It's been unbelievably fantastic.
I also have not dated. After Matt, I didn't want to end up in a rebound relationship like so many of my girlfriends. Sure, I've gotten some offers. There was this new intern at work who asked me to grab a quick drink after hours, but not only was I not ready but I also steer clear of coworkers. Then, my neighbor tried introducing me to her cousin. I must admit I was tempted. He is quite easy on the eyes, but no. I turned that one down too. Oh, and my girlfriends have been pestering me to join some online date site, but those dating sites always made me feel like I was whoring myself out. I'm truly enjoying being an independent, single woman. I feel, for the first time in a long time, I'm in complete control of my life.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Bon Voyage
Matt thinks that a vacation will do us some good - help us reconnect as a couple. So, he has planned a ten day exhibition through Costa Rica. I suppose a trip to an exotic country could help us find the chemistry again.
But, my mind still drifts to Jake. I wish I could combine the two -- take all the charm and girlish giddyness that I get from Jake and combine that with the ambition, strength and athleticism that Matt brings to our relationship.
Jake and I have been continuing to play these little text games where he will want to see me and I really want to take him up on it, yet I know how poisonous this all is for me. I have seen him a couple of times in the past month but still nothing like that night we played pool. Just thinking of that moment sends shivers down my arm.
Matt and I leave for Costa Rica four months. I should give him all of my attention and cooperation. I mean, he is trying.
But, my mind still drifts to Jake. I wish I could combine the two -- take all the charm and girlish giddyness that I get from Jake and combine that with the ambition, strength and athleticism that Matt brings to our relationship.
Jake and I have been continuing to play these little text games where he will want to see me and I really want to take him up on it, yet I know how poisonous this all is for me. I have seen him a couple of times in the past month but still nothing like that night we played pool. Just thinking of that moment sends shivers down my arm.
Matt and I leave for Costa Rica four months. I should give him all of my attention and cooperation. I mean, he is trying.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Back to Normal Maybe
The past several weeks have flown by. Matt and I have both been terribly busy with our jobs and we also have a couple of side projects going. I've been leading the plannings for an art exhibition at a local gallery and Matt has decided to take up golf with some guys from his office. We barely see each other during the week. We do manage to get a little time in on the weekends, though.
Jake has not called or texted in the past few weeks. I'm sure he has something keeping his attention right now and I'm sure that something is a 'her'. I'm not upset about it. I'm actually a little relieved that his attention is focused elsewhere at the moment. The guilt of our relationship, or whatever is that we have going on, has been killing me.
Jake has not called or texted in the past few weeks. I'm sure he has something keeping his attention right now and I'm sure that something is a 'her'. I'm not upset about it. I'm actually a little relieved that his attention is focused elsewhere at the moment. The guilt of our relationship, or whatever is that we have going on, has been killing me.
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