I Want Him

The morning of Liz’s wedding all I could think about was seeing Jake that night. It’s been almost a year since I’d seen him face to face.

He looked incredible.

Tabitha leans over as we’re standing at the altar and whispers, “Jake’s here.”

“I know,” I responded with a giddy grin as I stared straight ahead watching Jake get seated in the fifth row pew.

“He looks good. Who’s the chick? Damn, what is he? A dog on a leash? Look how tight her arm is around him.”

“Tabs, you’re not helping me here,” I responded to her play-by-play of Jake and the woman who had her arm gripped around his waist so tightly.

The bridal march begins and all six bridesmaids face forward. Everyone’s eyes were on Liz. She looked absolutely stunning. But I couldn’t help that my eyes were elsewhere.

He makes eye contact and I give a little upward smirk. He smiles at me and moves his mouth to the word, “Hi.”

I respond with the same silent, “Hi.”

During the reception we would glare at one another from across the room. Both of us were expecting the other to come right over, yet we seemed to keep a distance between us. Until…

I came out of the restroom only to be forced back in. Jake locked the door behind him.

“Jake, what are you…”

He pushed me against the wall, grabbed my face, and pulled me toward him with a deep, passionate kiss. I didn’t stop him. The kiss was forceful and full of intensity, yet still with such passion and emotion. The evidence of our feelings toward one another was displayed right there in the bathroom of the reception hall. He picked me up and placed me on the counter. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he pulled me in even closer.

Then, a knock on the door. We both sigh and slowly come to a halt.

“One minute. Someone is in here!” I call out.

“I’ve been wanting to do that all night,” he told me as we fixed our clothing and I wiped the gloss from his mouth.

“Your girlfriend is an attractive woman, Jake.”

“Yeah, we just can’t seem to get this timing thing right, can we?”

The scent of his cologne lingered on me all night. I slept in my bridesmaid dress in order to savor it.

The next morning I texted him, "I MUST see you."

Old Familiar Feeling

After Matt and I returned from our trip to Costa Rica, I told Jake that I couldn't continue whatever it was that we were doing. I really wanted to focus on my marriage. I really wanted to at least give it everything I had and then if it still failed, it wouldn't be because of some fling. It would truly be because it just wasn't going to work. Jake, being the guy he is, completely accepted that.

I ran into Jake a few times over the past couple of years and it was usually awkward. Seeing him is so difficult. One would think that I would run straight into his arms once Matt and I split, but I had my reasons for not doing that. Besides, last I heard he was in a relationship.

I haven't seen Jake in almost a year. He is going to be at my cousin Liz's wedding tonight. Liz is marrying Preston. Preston is Jake's first cousin. I hope I can hold myself together.

Two Years Later

Tonight I'm a bridesmaid at my cousin's wedding. Now that I'm a divorcee', there's an oddity about being at a wedding. It's not like when one is single and never married. No, in that situation you tend to still have hope that one day it will be your turn. Once you've been married, especially after you've gone through a divorce, you become a cynic. You become so bitterly jaded about marriage and relationships.

It's only been eight months since my split with Matt. It was amicable. We both put the cards on the table that we had been considering wandering outside of the relationship. Although we were mutually respectful, that didn't make it any easier. I loved him. I just didn't want to be married to him. And, I couldn't be married to him knowing that I was constantly wondering if my real husband was out there somewhere.

But, in the past eight months I haven't been doing any husband searching. I've been doing some Tristyn-searching. I've been focusing heavily on the things in my life that are important to ME. My days consist of getting in a five mile run before work each morning. I'm hyper-focused at my job and have been getting a lot of recognition for my drive and ambition. At night, I get to decide whether I want a quiet evening at home with some take-out and a DVD or if I want to grab dinner and martinis with the girls. I don't have to ask permission from anyone. I don't have to feel guilty when I do something for myself. And, I definitely don't need to explain myself when I stay out too late. No texting, "I'll be home in an hour." It's been unbelievably fantastic.

I also have not dated. After Matt, I didn't want to end up in a rebound relationship like so many of my girlfriends. Sure, I've gotten some offers. There was this new intern at work who asked me to grab a quick drink after hours, but not only was I not ready but I also steer clear of coworkers. Then, my neighbor tried introducing me to her cousin. I must admit I was tempted. He is quite easy on the eyes, but no. I turned that one down too. Oh, and my girlfriends have been pestering me to join some online date site, but those dating sites always made me feel like I was whoring myself out. I'm truly enjoying being an independent, single woman. I feel, for the first time in a long time, I'm in complete control of my life.